By Caro September 4, 2026
A painful memory resurfaces abruptly, and doubt creeps in. If the hurt persists, is it because we lacked sincerity? No. Healing the heart takes time and sometimes requires forgiving again.
A speaker delivers a moving message about forgiveness, and this message makes us think of someone who hurt us in the past. If this person comes back to our thoughts, is it because we still harbor resentment? “I thought I had forgiven him/her…” Or perhaps a friend introduces us to someone who physically resembles our ex, and we can’t bring ourselves to be polite to this new person because of the resemblance. We are even surprised by our visceral reaction. “I thought I had forgiven him/her…” Our questioning sometimes leads us to doubt our ability to forgive. Can we truly be free of our past wounds? Here are some points to consider.
First, forgiving does not mean forgetting. The verse many people use to define forgiveness is Jeremiah 31:34, which is repeated in the New Testament. “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (NIV). These people then argue that true forgiveness means forgetting the offense committed. However, if we examine the original definition of the word “remember,” we arrive at a different conclusion. In Hebrew, the word used here is “zâkar,” which means to recall, but also to bring back to mind. Since God knows everything, can we truly believe that He can forget something? Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that God forgives our sin and will not speak of it again. He will not bring up this offense in future conversations.
And it is on this model that we must base our forgiveness of those who hurt us. To forgive is to place the offense in the hands of Jesus and choose to no longer speak of it. It is to refuse to wallow in a victim mentality and to cease divulging the offense out of a need for justification, sympathy, or revenge. By surrendering to divine justice, we learn from our trials and truly begin our own healing. Therefore, just because the hurt resurfaces in our minds does not mean we have not forgiven it.
Most of the time, we must forgive repeatedly. Since forgiveness must be given when we are hurt, it is possible that we will have to forgive several times. A wound can begin to heal, but reopen when a memory resurfaces, or when someone brings it up again, etc. If the wound reopens and we feel hurt again, it doesn’t mean we weren’t sincere the first time. We should simply treat the situation as if the offense had just happened and forgive again. “Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22 NASB).
It’s also important to clarify that there’s a difference between forgiving and being reconciled. We were forgiven our sins on the cross. But to be reconciled with God, we had to take the step of asking for forgiveness, of repenting of our sins. Forgiveness is given even without repentance. But there can be no reconciliation without repentance. In the same way, we must forgive our brother who has hurt us. But we must also try to reconcile with him by explaining the situation (2 Corinthians 5:18). If he apologizes, there can be reconciliation between you. But if he refuses to apologize or acknowledge his wrongdoing, there can be no reconciliation. So, if the relationship with someone from our past isn’t repaired, it doesn’t necessarily mean we haven’t forgiven them. Forgiveness can be complete even without reconciliation.
Forgiveness is a journey. Sometimes we need to forgive several times before finding peace. But how do we know if the past is truly healed? When we no longer suffer when talking about what happened. The scar is still there, but it no longer hurts. This journey takes time and sometimes spiritual or psychological support, but we can all reach this point.